Picking Up the Pieces
by WillowOdair
Summary: With everyone she has ever loved gone Katniss has fallen into a drunken despair. Can she and Finnick find away to put themselves back together again? My first fanfic, please be kind.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

The day Katniss and Haymitch return to District 12 is a quiet subdued occasion. Haymitch says nothing as Katniss follows him up the stairs to his still standing house in the Victor's Village, not being able to stomach the thought of going into her own home. He barely gives her a second glance as shes grabs the bottle of the clear liquid he covets and takes a drink that makes even him flinch. She finds Haymitch's method quite effective in numbing her pain and quieting her the screams inside her head. The nightmares don't come nearly as often if she is passed out.

She has made herself quite comfortable in the oversized armchair next to the fireplace, she spends hours staring into the flames, always running through her head is "My name is Katniss Everdeen, I'm confined to District 12, Prim is dead, killed by the Revolution, Peeta died trying to save her, I killed President Coin, I was the Mockingjay."

She drinks until she silences the mantra, nothing matters anymore, it's easier to forget. The world of Panem may know her as their Mockingjay who went crazy. But to her she is empty, she is nothing, she is a lost lonely little girl, everything and everyone she loved is gone. The girl on fire has flickered and died. Katniss had volunteered to save Prim and in the end she had killed her anyways.

Haymitch doesn't require much conversation, they are both content just to drink away the demons. He politely ignores her when the screams from the nightmares jolt her awake just as she ignores his. They fall into a compatible routine and it doesnt't involve much talking. Everyday Greasy Sae comes over and forces what little food she can into Katniss. She even enlists her granddaughters to help clean Haymitch's house. Not that either of them noticed. Occasionally Sae would drag Katniss upstairs and throw her in the shower clothes and all. Katniss sat silently as Sae scrubbed weeks of alcohol and disgrace off of her.

Her mother had stayed in District 4, unable to handle loss of Prim. Johanna had returned to District 7, Finnick had gone back to District 4 to mourn Annie. Gale had stayed in the Capitol with Beetee. There was noone left except Haymitch. She hadn't contacted anyone since she has come home. Ignoring even her mandated sessions with Dr. Aurelias, grateful that Haymitch had ripped out his phone line. The stack of letters she'd ignored had grown to an impressive pile, for drinking her pain away it was so much easier than dealing with all the emotions she was avoiding and wasnt quite ready to confront.

People were starting to return to 12, some of them people who had lived there before, some from other districts who wanted a fresh start. Katniss paid them no attention. Once a week she would head down to the train station to pick up her's and Haymitch's shipment of relief. No one dared speak to her as she hauled the cases back to the Village, but every trip she was forced to walk past the remains of Peeta's family bakery. Her drinking and nightmares were always worse that night. After a particularly bad night Haymitch had started paying young man to bring the cases to them.

They mostly ignored the Daily News broadcast, every second a reminder of everything that they had lost. President Paylor did seem to be doing a decent job in uniting the Districts from the little they had seen.

It had been almost an entire year since they liberated the Capitol and Katniss had been exiled. Almost an entire year since she had executed Coin. Katniss' drinking had reached the point that she would do anything to forget.

On the one-year anniversary of the formation of the new Panem a certain bronze haired Victor stepped onto the platform of District 12. A hush fell over the crowd and whispered voices followed him but he made his way through the town with surprising ease.

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs of the house in the village. Haymitch had called him and asked for his help, no one could understand her better than him. The bond they developed 13 was something only they shared and that was what he and Haymitch were counting on.

His mind flashed to the moment he had seen her for the first time. Fire danced behind her eyes and her defiance to the Capitol all too evident in her posture. She was beautiful.

With a final sigh he made his way up the stairs and steeled himself for the wraith he expected to find. He held his breath as he opened the door, he saw her as soon as he walked in the foyer. She was much thinner than he remembered, her hand was curled around the bottle of clear liquor. He thought how she couldn't possibly be comfortable curled into the chair she was in. Haymitch was snoring opposite her, passed out on the couch with an identical bottle in his hand. Not wasting a moment he launched some water on Haymitch, who woke up sputtering and began to scream obscenities at him. But upon recognizing Finnick he quieted immediately. With the communication of several nods Finnick maneuvered Katniss into his strong tanned arms with her barely stirring. It wasn't until he tried to take the bottle from her that she awoke and began to put up a fight.

However Finnick was stronger and kept his hold on her, cradling her in his arms. Katniss began shouting and cursing at them both trying to understand what was happening.

"Time to get you back together Girl on Fire." The more she struggled the tighter he held on.

"It's been fun sweetheart." Haymitch mock saluted her as Finnick held her firmly and walked out the door and across the courtyard to the place she had been avoiding fervently. Her house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Finnick carried a still struggling Katniss over the threshold of where her demons lived. Except the thick layer of dust everything was just as it had been before the bombing. The layout of the house was similar to those of the Victor's homes in district 4, albeit less extravagant. He headed straight up the stairs to the master bedroom and adjoining bathroom. Katniss not even taking a breath while cursing and berating him.

"Put me down right now Finnick Odair," she shouted. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"First I'm getting you into the bath, I didn't think it was possible but you smell worse than Haymitch."

He set her on the edge of the over sized tub and began fiddling with the various knobs. He ran the steaming water and chose a scent that wouldn't bring Katniss painful memories, a combination of the sea and sandalwood. Home.

When he turned back to her she was still glaring at him. "Well are you going to undress or do you need some help?" He gave her his best cheeky grin. But turned to give her some privacy.

Still glaring she stood up, a bit unsteady, and stripped off her clothes. Modesty was something she had abandoned after spending so much time being handled by her prep team.

She got into the bath and despite her best efforts a small sigh of relief escaped her lips as the hot water washed over her aching muscles. Finnick chuckled and sat on the floor with his back against the side of the bath. He pulled a small length of worn rope from his pocket and began tying one of his intricate knots. They sat in a companionable silence for a while. The only noises were Finnick's hands gliding over the rope and the occasional swish of water as Katniss readjusted herself.

Finnick turned when he heard Katniss dunk herself under the water, laughing when she resurfaced with her face covered in soapy bubbles. She gave him the briefest hint of a smile before reaching up to undo her braid. He noticed that she flinched when she went to lift her arm above her head.

"What's wrong?" He asked with concern.

When she shook her head he stood up and walked behind her. He wiped the foam from her back and inhaled sharply. Covering one side of her back and shoulder was a large bruise. It looked several days old and had begun to take on nasty shades of yellow and green. She must have been too angry for it to bother her before.

"What the hell happened?"

"It's nothing, I tripped and fell on a crate the other day." She said.

"Things like that tend to happen when you're piss drunk. At least that's what I hear."

"Well nobody asked you," she said flatly as she swatted his hand that was still resting on her back.

She went to continue undoing her braid but let out a sharp hiss of pain. This time it was Finnick who swatted her hands away and gently took her hair.. She folded her arms across her chest and let out a huff as Finnick's hands worked to undo the intricate, but matted braid. When he was finished he ruffled his fingers through her hair shaking loose any stubborn knots. Then he reached down and filled his palm with a healthy blob of shampoo from one of the many buttons, and began working it through her hair. He took his time, careful not to pull her hair. His skilled fingers massaged her scalp and she let out another groan.

"Careful kitten, I might start to think you're enjoying this." He said pulling his hands away to let her rinse her hair. When she resurfaced he slathered her in conditioner, pretending to ignore the dirty look she shot him.

He was suddenly struck of a memory of washing Annie's hair. He was the only person she trusted when she was near water. It would usually end with her in Finnick's arms, trapped in a flashback. Fragile, broken Annie. In the end he had failed to save her.

Katniss pulled him back to reality by whispering a soft,"thank you Finnick."

He smirked and stood up from the tub. "Consider it my genuine pleasure." He left her to rinse and get dressed.

He made his way to the kitchen, noticing that it lacked the layer of dust that covered the rest of the house. He was pleasantly surprised to find that the cupboards and refrigerator were freshly stocked. There was no bread in the kitchen however. A wise decision Finnick thought. He assumed that Haymitch had informed Greasy Sae of his arrival and she had planned accordingly. He praised her silently and set a kettle to boil on the stove. Also pulling a pot of what he assumed was stew from the fridge.

 _He thought back on the moment his phone rang in District Four. It was the middle of the afternoon and he was weaving fresh knots into an old net. Johanna never called until well after midnight. Mostly so they could fall asleep on the phone together or to let him grieve over Annie. When she had died he thought he was lost, but Johanna, of all people, had pulled him out of the darkness. Unwilling to let "the only fucking friend she had left" leave her. When he answered he was surprised to hear a mostly sober Haymitch on the other end._

 _"To what do I owe the pleasure of you sobriety?" He asked casually, his hands still weaving._

 _"I don't have time for your cheeky nonsense fish boy," Haymitch answered gruffly. "It's Sweetheart."_

 _Finnick's hands stopped abruptly, "What's wrong," he asked gripping the phone tighter against his cheek._

 _"She's in a bad place. She needs more help than I give her. I been giving her space but it's been a year and if she keeps this up she's going to wither away to nothing."_

 _"She doesn't want anything to do with me Haymitch. She hasn't returned my calls or letters, I'm just another reminder of what she's lost." Finnick said lamely._

 _"Jesus boy. She hasn't returned any calls or letters. Even that quacky doctor she's supposed talk to. She's been drinking herself to death in my living room. Can barely get her to eat or do anything. She hasn't even set foot in her house." Haymitch responded._

 _"I'm not sure what help I can be Haymitch. I might just make things worse." Finnick said, even though his mind was already turning._

 _"I'm not sure it can get much worse fishboy. You two have always had somethin' special. You connected. Do you think I was blind and deaf while they had me detoxing in that godforsaken district? I know Annie is gone and you are hurting, but maybe this will help you too, It'll be good for you to get out of District 4. "_

 _Finnick murmured in agreement._

 _By the end of the conversation it was decided that Finnick would travel to District 12. He threw some things and a bag and found that there was a train leaving in a couple hours._

The kettle started to whistle on the stove so he turned and filled up the two cups, placing tea bags in them. He set the cups and sugar and milk on the table. When he looked up he saw Katniss standing in the doorway. She was dressed in a green cashmere sweater and a pair of fitted tan pants. Although they didn't quite fit anymore it was obvious that these were clothes Cinna had tailored just for her. She hadn't rebraided her hair and it hung down in loose waves framing her face. She was beautiful, but Finnick noticed she looked hollow, gone was the Girl on Fire, defiance burning in her eyes. What was left was hopelessness and sadness evident in slumped shoulders. A cold resignation that nothing would ever be happy again.

"Tea?" He asked his hand waving over the table.

She sat down warily, "what are you doing here Finnick?"

"Want a sugar cube?" He asked popping one into his mouth and holding one out to her. "These aren't for the horses."

Despite herself she gave him a small smile, remembering their first conversation. She put it gingerly on her tongue and let the sweetness coat her mouth. He suppressed a small laugh by taking a long swallow of his tea.

Finnick stood up and went to the stove, the stew had filled the kitchen with an enticing aroma. He spooned two heaping helpings into bowls and returned to the table. He set one bowl in front of Katniss and sat down with the other for himself. He put a finger to her mouth when she started to object. "Eat first, talk later." The stew was delicious and Finnick was reminded that he hadn't eaten on the train. He was too distracted and found himself pacing the corridors instead. He had also spoken extensively to Dr. Aurelias.

After they both had second helpings Katniss set the spoon in her bowl and eyed Finnick. "What are you doing here Finnick?"

He fidgeted in his seat, "You never returned my calls and I needed a vacation. So I thought I'd come say hello."

"And you thought dragging me out of Haymitch's house in the middle of the night and giving me a bath was the proper way to go about that?" She snapped.

"Well I do like to make an entrance," he snickered.

She stood up and slammed her hand on the table, "It's not a joke Finnick. Haymitch or I could have killed you. Sneaking into his house like that. Unless... unless he knew you were coming. He's the one who called you isn't he?"

Realization dawned on her face, Finnick and Haymitch's words from earlier coming back. "You're here to try and fix me."

"I don't want your help, I don't need it." Katniss spat when she saw the guilt on Finnick's face. "I'm fine."

"So what? You're just going to stay in that chair getting piss drunk every night? You can't hide forever Katniss. Sooner or later you have to deal with this." He retorted.

"Why not? There's nothing to deal with." She glared at him. "They're all gone and it's all my fault, at least when I'm drunk they aren't haunting me."

"Stop that pity me crap, it's not your fault. Blaming yourself for their sacrifices only dishonors their memories. And hiding behind them is even worse. We all have ghosts and we all cope different ways, but you've seen what good being a drunk has done for Haymitch." He raised his voice.

"Yes, you seem to be coping well. Showing up here thinking you can make every thing all better, like it will change anything. Acting like you are perfect, telling me what I need to do. Do you even miss her?" Katniss screamed.

Finnick saw the regret on her face instantly, but it was too late. He stood so quickly that the chair toppled over. Katniss took several steps backwards, "Finnick I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it."

Finnick didn't spare a backwards glance as he stalked out of the kitchen and slammed his way out the front door. Leaving Katniss calling after him as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks.

He walked quickly to Haymitch's house and sat himself down on the chair across from where Haymitch was sitting drinking from a bottle. He took the bottle from him and gave it a long swallow before handing it back. "I told you this was a mistake." Finnick said.

"Nah, makin progress already." Haymitch slurred, using the bottle to point out his window where the light in Katniss's bedroom had turned on.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note- First off thank you so much for reading! Sorry this took so long and it's so short. I really only had the first two chapters mapped out so I am just starting to flesh it out.**

 **I would also like to shout out to titania522. Her story "Good Again" is absolute Everlark perfection and it inspired me to write this.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

 **Chapter 3**

Katniss flinched when she heard the door slam, tears of anger and regret threatened to spill onto her cheeks. She was fine with being broken, she deserved it. There were so many other people who deserved to be alive instead of her. She made the long list in her head every single day, and the last thing she needed was the Great Finnick O'dair rushing to her rescue. How dare he just barge in and expect her to enthusiastically go along with fixing something that could never be fixed. And Haymitch, the traitor, he had been the one who had brought him here. Since when was he responsible for making choices about her life? He wasn't even capable of making his own decisions, the only one he ever made was what case of liquor to start on next. He wasn't her mentor anymore, just someone to trapped in a silent hell much like her own.

She surveyed the kitchen, her eyes landing on Finnick's overturned chair. He may have had no right to storm back into her life, but she knew she had crossed the line. She had said it because she knew it was the easiest way to hurt him. There would always be a piece of his soul missing, an emptiness that would never be filled, that would forever be in mourning. Much like she felt for Prim and Peeta.

She sighed and wiped her face. She realized she was stuck here, in this house with her ghosts. Full of memories, all of them painful now. Finnick had most likely gone back to Haymitch's house, probably to gather his things up and wait for the next train back to 4. She also wasn't entirely convinced she wouldn't claw Haymitch's eyes out. Instead she walked to her mother's medicine cabinet in the study and pulled out the bottle of liquor she kept for emergencies. Taking a swallow she turned and made her way up the stairs to her bedroom. The warmth spreading through her gave her the courage to walk past Prim's room, though she was careful to not even glance at the closed door.

She turned on the light, the glow illuminating the expensively furnished room. Although the white rose and the dead flowers had been cleared away the fainest scent of roses hung in the air. Holding her breath she walked over and flung the window open, breathing in the cool night air. She sat on the edge of the bed and let the breeze take her away.

Taking another drink her thoughts drifted to her house in the seam. As small as it was it had always felt like more of a home to her than this house. What she wouldn't give to be back there, holding Prim and singing her to sleep. Tucking in the shirt tail of her Little Duck. Walking to the Hob with her to trade game and cheese from Lucy, pausing to look at the fancy cakes in the windows of the Mellark bakery. To be back in the forest with Gale, their talks of rebellion and running away just childish fantasies. A secret shared between only them and the forest. But they were all gone and she was left alone with her regrets. As they started to overwhelm her she took a longer drink only stopping when she had run out of breath.

The squirrel stew in her abused stomach threatened to make a reappearance so she laid down on the plush pillows. Between the broken sleep she had on the chair, the warm bath, dinner, and half of the bottle she was exhausted and the bed seemed so comfortable. She knew the nightmares would greet her as they always did, so she let the sleep claim her.

Finnick stared unfocused in the flames in Haymitch's fireplace, his hands mindlessly tying his rope. Occasionally his eyes would turn to the light still burning in Katniss's window. He wondered if she was asleep or pacing in rage after his sudden appearance. He hoped for the former. Haymitch had passed back out shortly after Finnick returned leaving him alone with his thoughts.

In hindsight he probably could have gone about things differently, but he suspected the outcome would have been much the same. He knew that Katniss hated showing any sign of weakness and asking for or accepting help was at the top of that list. She had only been able to depend on herself for her's and her family's survival for so long, but now with no family left for her she would be even more reluctant to accept anything. But she was in for a rude awakening if she thought getting rid of him was going to be as easy as throwing Annie in his face. He had reacted in anger in the moment, but he had expected nothing less from Katniss Everdeen.

He continued to sit quietly until the sun started to peek over the horizon. He watched the blues, reds, and purples dance above the trees and houses in the Victor's Village, enveloping the stars and chasing away the darkness. He could always count on the sunrise and sunset, the only true stability in his life. They came and went everyday uncaring of the trivial nature of humans.

He was too restless to sit anymore so he decided to walk to town. He stopped on the steps and gave Katniss's open window one final look. Just as he turned away her shrill piercing screams shattered the stillness of the morning.

Without a second thought he sprinted to Katniss's house and flung open the door. Her screams continued as he made his way to her room. An all too familiar sight greeted him. He saw her in her bed thrashing and flailing, obviously in the deep throes of another nightmare. Instinctively he walked to her bed and sat on it. He took the flailing girl in his arms and gently tried to wait her up. He was briefly transported back to Four and memories of doing this for Annie, and it threatened to consume him until an elbow caught him in the sternum.

"Katniss, it's not real. It's not real, you're safe. I'm here." While she didn't wake up she seemed to hear and quit fighting, allowing him to cradle her in his arms. He stroked her hair and kept murmuring soft affirmations in her ear while she clung to him like a lifeline afraid the nightmares would drag her back under.

After a few minutes she slowly opened her eyes and stared at him. She seemed momentarily surprised to see him looking back with his stunning sea green eyes but made no attempt to move. All of her anger from last night overcome by the calming effect he was having.

He shifted to make them more comfortable on the bed, resting his upper body against the headboard. She moved with him and continued to let him stroke her hair. His heartbeat steady and strong along with his chest rising and falling with each breath brought her a sense of peace she hadn't felt for a long time. They stayed like that for a long while until her breathing finally evened out and she found herself closing her eyes again. Something told her the nightmares wouldn't return.

In that moment she knew Finnick wasn't going anywhere.


	4. Chapter 4

Finnick must have fallen asleep because it was obviously late morning when he opened his eyes again. It took him a moment to reorient himself and a second later to realize the pressure on his body was a still sleeping Katniss. Her head was on his chest, one of his hands woven through her hair, the other splayed across her back. She had one arm wrapped underneath him and the other hand resting on his heart.

 _He once again thought of Annie. How many nights had been spent like this? Him holding her through her nightmares, every scream and every tear breaking his heart in a new way. He would silently curse Snow, the Capitol, and the Games. They had stripped him of his innocence and stripped Annie of her sanity. He tried so hard to be there for her and to undo the damage the Capitol had inflicted on her innocent soul, to be the rock that she clung to as if she was constantly on the verge of drowning._

 _He loved her with everything he had, however he knew she was broken beyond repair and as much as he wanted and willed it to be true he couldn't put her back together. He thought they could make it through, they would always be able to make it through anything as long as they were together. Sadly deep down he felt like he had always known that he would never be enough._

 _His frequent trips to the Capitol, forced to flaunt himself with countless men and women and have his body taken were made bearable knowing that she was back in Four safe and waiting for him. It always kept him grounded and able to carry through to the next day._

 _She knew what Snow did to him and still she waited, welcoming him with open arms and erasing any guilt that lingered. Letting him find himself again in her arms. Likewise he was the only one who could always reach her and bring her back when she got lost in herself. Lost in the horror of her games. It wasn't until Snow announced the Quarter Quell and Annie never stopped crying did he know that it was the beginning of goodbye._

 _He doubted he would survive and he was even more certain after the remaining reaped Victors made a pact to get Katniss and Peeta out of the arena alive. The Revolution was finally coming, everything so many had worked for was coming to fruition, but it all rested on the shoulders of a girl who had no idea the destiny that was about to be foisted upon her. To make her the Mockingjay, to liberate Panem. He hoped she was ready, for all their sake._

 _Nonetheless he spent the days leading up to the Reaping holding an inconsolable Annie and his last memory of her when he left the Reaping was her tear streaked face and sobs crashing into him, wondering if he would ever see her again._

 _When he discovered she was being held by Snow he grew despondent and the screams from the jabberjays that had rained down on Katniss and him in the arena echoed through his mind, drowning everything else out. His small piece of rope was the only thing anchoring him to reality and knot by knot he tried to keep himself tied together._

 _He longed to be back in the cave with Annie in District Four, in the one place she felt safe and pure. Where the real Annie had been able to shine through. He thought of her smile and flushed cheeks as she lay on his chest. He would sing her sea shanty's he learned on the boat with his father, they would lay there for hours and then go for midnight swims under the stars, floating in the vastness of the ocean. For a brief time feeling totally free, able to enjoy and live right there in that moment. Finnick was always trying to recapture that sense of peace in District 13 but instead of calmness every second was a punch to his body that felt more like a tsunami._

 _Then after so many days of darkness she was back, running into his arms and he felt like he could finally breathe again._

 _Something was different, he had noticed it immediately. She drifted off more frequently and sometimes Finnick felt he couldn't reach her anymore. That she was so damaged by what she had been subjected to in the Capitol they had finally taken her away from him. She was unable to tell him what happened to her at their hands and the mere mention of it would put her in a near catatonic state. Sometimes she would burst into unexplained tears and Finnick felt another piece of his heart rip from his chest. What he had gathered from Joanna only intensified his nightmares. Occasionally he would get a glimpse of his sweet Annie and sometimes he could get her to stay, but mostly he was forced to sit and watch, helpless. Still he tried to be there for her, to give her routine, any sense of stability he could manage. Hours spent on "Real or Not Real", songs, holding her, anything to bring her back._

 _She seemed to take well to the structure in 13, the tattooed schedule on her arm grounding her, giving her purpose. They would have lunch everyday in the cafeteria with Katniss, Gale, Prim, Delly and Johanna. Even Peeta eventually. Sometimes she would laugh and talk with them, other times she would get that faraway look in her eyes and cover her ears and Finnick would know that she'd gone to where she fought her battles. Every time he wondered if she would find her way back to him._

 _He had always intended to marry Annie, even if he was old and gray when the Capitol had finally tired of him. So when Plutarch had suggested the wedding seeing Annie's face light up had made the decision for him. It had been beautiful, everything he had hoped and Annie had never looked more stunning. He meant every word as he touched the salt water to her lips and promised her forever. Her smile had warmed his heart so deeply it felt like it would burst. He said that they would always be together. They had both known, though, that he had to leave her again. One last time he promised, then he would be by her side permanently._

 _Even though Annie had insisted she understood a part of him wondered if she would truly be okay, if she could handle the strain of him being gone, but she promised she would be there waiting for him when he returned. Prim had volunteered to look after her. She and Annie had grown close while she recovered in the hospital. He held her and kissed her and promised to be back soon._

 _The trident Beetee had designed him was flawless and it brought him a sense of both anticipation and calmness as he held it in hands. Plutarch wanted as many victors as possible in the fight. Years of planning were finally reaching their climax and he had every intention of seeing it through to the end. When he saw Katniss would be joining him on the "Star Squad" he was pleased. However he had known that she had ulterior motives when she hadn't objected to not being on the front lines, the set of her jaw had spelled it out plainly, although no one else seemed to notice. The other part of him needed to keep her close, make sure she was safe, he wasn't so sure that Coin and the team, except maybe Boggs and Gale, had her best interests in mind. When Peeta joined them in the Capitol he knew he was right. The war was almost over and that meant they were now expendable._

 _He thought of Annie everyday and it gave him the courage to make it through. Constantly reminding himself that everything he was doing was to make a better life for her. To give her everything she deserved. He thought of the future they would have without Snow, without the secrets, the lies, and the pain. Where they were free. He promised her forever and this was one promise he intended to keep._

 _He almost broke that promise when he was cornered by the terrifying mutts in the sewer, where he watched Castor's body torn to shreds in front of him. He was halfway up the ladder when a mutt latched onto his leg. He screamed as it tore into his flesh. His beautiful Annie flashed before him and he whispered, "I'm so sorry my angel," he was still fighting, but he waited for the mutts to pull him back down into the killing field. He heard Katniss screaming for him from above. He saw his life flash before his eyes when Gale let loose an explosive arrow into the rose scented abomination clinging to his leg. It ripped it off him, back into the water causing part of the sewer to collapse on the group of the mutts below them. It sent flames licking up his legs, but the mutts kept coming. Finnick was sure they were finished when suddenly Jackson emerged from the rubble behind them and took down several of the terrifying creatures as they advanced towards the ladder._

 _Katniss was above them shooting down anything that moved into her sights. Finnick pulled himself upwards and he gripped every rung of the ladder as if was his last chance. Gale was above him firing the last shots from his pistol, using his free hand to pull Finnick towards safety._

 _When they made it to the street Katniss heard Jackson screaming to drop the holo, without a second thought she whispered, "nightlock, nightlock, nightlock," and dropped the holo down into the sewer. Pollux slammed the cover to the pipe shut and they felt the street shudder as the explosion rocked the ground beneath them, burying the mutts with her name on their lips. The six of them were all that was left._

 _They made it, they were bloody and battered, but alive. He couldn't answer when Peeta asked if he was okay. He was locked tightly into a hug with Katniss, both relieved to still be breathing. Katniss choked out "We can't stop here." Later, the human feelings will come until then they had to move._

 _They silently made their way to Tigress' shop and then before he knew it Snow's Mansion was right within his sight. He saw the first wave of bombs go off as he tailed behind Gale and Katniss. He saw Gale get captured, begging Katniss to shoot him. He saw Katniss run towards the explosion and took off after her yelling her name. He looked ahead of her and saw Prim, looking young enough to be one of the Capitol children she was trying to save. When the second bomb went off he saw Peeta and Prim disappear in a wall of flames and Katniss thrown back by the aftershock._

 _Knowing there was no way Peeta and Prim survived the blast he ran towards Katniss and fell to his knees. He used the over sized coat he was wearing to put the flames out before they were able to do much damage. Her eyes locked onto his for a split second before they closed in shock. Frantically he searched for a pulse, ignoring the chaos around him. He found it weak but steady as he looked around and scooped her up into his arms and went to find help._

 _They had done it, Panem was theirs. Finnick was high from victory, his elation only tampered by all of the friends they had lost. But they had beaten Snow and a new Panem was forming, however he grieved for Katniss who had lost both Peeta and Prim in the explosion._

 _She was still unconscious and he knew she would be devastated by the loss. Her mother was flying in from District 13 by hovercraft and would meet them at the Mansion where they were staying now._

 _Finnick was also expecting Annie, Johanna, and Haymitch. He hadn't been able to contain the happiness that consumed him knowing it was finally over. He felt like he'd been released from an invisible prison and he finally had control of his future and he couldn't wait to share that life with Annie._

 _When the hovercraft landed two days later he was with Katniss in her makeshift hospital room, she had woken up and was inconsolable. He had been the one to tell her about Prim and Peeta and a part of him fractured at her grief. She hadn't spoken a word since but he sat by her bed and tried to fill the silence._

 _He heard the door open and a small group of people came piling in. Katniss's mother wrapped her in a tight embrace, sobs wracking her small frame. Behind her was Haymitch, who if possible looked even worse than before Finnick left. He immediately headed for the small bar and poured himself a drink, treating it like a long-lost mistress._

 _Johanna was also with them, her hair finally growing back, she looked almost human again. Her face fixed in her trademark smirk until she saw Katniss. Lastly Plutarch stood silently watching the whole thing play out before him._

 _He looked for Annie but she wasn't among them. That's when he noticed Joanna couldn't catch his eye. A sense of dread overtook his body, he tried to tell he tried to tell himself that any moment she would come running through the door or she must be waiting for him in his room ready to start their new life together. He finally managed to catch Johanna's eye and gave her a questioning look. She jerked her head towards the hallway and Finnick got up and followed her out. He didn't see Haymitch look at him sadly and drain another glass_

" _Where is Annie, Jo?" He questioned. Johanna could barely look at him and he asked again, "Where is she?"_

 _Johanna broke down, tears streaming down her face, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Finnick."_

 _He grabbed her by the arms and shook her. "What? Why, what's wrong?"_

" _She... She saw the broadcast, the one that said you were dead. It came on when we were in the cafeteria." Johanna managed between sobs. "She saw the building explode."_

 _Ice cold fear gripped his throat and he took several steps back until he hit the wall and slid down. He could just imagine Annie's reaction as Snow came on and gloated they were dead. That he had won again._

 _He'd promised to come back to her and she thought he was gone forever._

 _He waited for Jo to finish. "She seemed to take it so well, she just got really quiet. We stayed with her, me and Prim, until she was asleep. Then Prim was called to the Capitol. She asked to be left alone and they called me to Command, Coin insisted. I... I... didn't know what to do."_

" _When she didn't come to breakfast the next morning the guards broke down her door. We were too late Finn. She hung herself."_

 _In that moment Finnick felt his soul die. He crumpled onto the floor and he was sure that the sound that tore through him wasn't human. The small innocent girl he met on the beach. The shy young woman who had been reaped. The accidental victor who had crept into his heart. The beautiful woman who had become his wife. She was gone, he had failed her. She thought he was never coming back so she had gone to joined him. He was a broken and empty shell and he joined Katniss in silence._

Noises downstairs saved Finnick from his thoughts. Katniss must have also heard it because she began to stir. The noise came again and he stiffened.

"It's probably Greasy Sae, she would have seen I wasn't at Haymitch's this morning." Katniss murmured sleepily. No sooner than the words left her mouth a figure appeared in the doorway.

"Well, well, well don't you two look cozy?" A slurred voice hit them both like a shock and they jolted out of bed.

Katniss threw one of the too many pillows on her bed at Haymitch, "we were just sleeping."

Haymitch threw his hands up in mock defense dodging the pillow, "easy there sweetheart what you do is up to you, I'm just happy to have you stop drinking up all my liquor."

Katniss shot him a dirty look, "if I'm recalling correctly I pay for half of that liquor. What are you even doing here Haymitch? Shouldn't you be elbow deep in a bottle by now?"

"I was at home minding my own business until your keeper came looking for you, she's a feisty one. Hit me with the paper until I woke up. Then she mentioned breakfast. Who am I to start turning down a free meal? But she won't feed me until you're there so get decent and get downstairs. I'm starved." He turned and headed down the stairs leaving Finnick and Katniss alone again.

"Did you get some rest?" Finnick asked.

"Yes, thank you, but you didn't have to do that," she said quietly.

"I know but we can't have you waking up the whole neighborhood can we? Besides it's been a long time since I woke up next to a beautiful woman," he joked.

Katniss picked up another pillow and threw it in his face, "go downstairs before he comes back up." Finnick's laughter followed him out of the room.

Katniss sighed and turned to look at the half-empty bottle of liquor on her nightstand. Unlike most days she didn't feel it's pull. She wasn't sure if it was actual sleep, not being hungover, or Finnick's presence but instead of picking it up she found herself walking downstairs to join everyone in the kitchen. She could already smell Sae's cooking wafting through the house, her stomach grumbled in surprising anticipation.

Katniss did a double-take when she walked into the kitchen. The table had been piled with food that she hadn't seen since her Victory Tour. There were eggs, ham, fried potatoes, a variety of fruit, and fresh milk. Haymitch was already shoveling forkfuls of food into his mouth, Finnick was piling food onto a plate, and Sae's granddaughter was sitting at the end of the table quietly nibbling on scrambled eggs

Sae was at the stove still cooking when she saw Katniss, "glad to see you up and about girl. I figured you'd finally be ready for a real meal and of course we have a guest. We can't feed him that gruel you've been eating."

"Thank you Sae, but where did all this come from?" Katniss remembered the shipments coming into District 13 and she hoped that all the districts were eating as well as they were.

"From the other districts and the Capitol. Lots been happening while you've been drunk girl. We get regular deliveries now. You order what you want out of a catalog and it comes on the train. And we got some shops about to open. They'll have the necessities and they're about to break ground on a medical facility to make medicine. But that's enough for now, sit and eat before it gets any colder." Katniss tried to wrap her head around all this information as she walked to the table and sat down. Finnick handed her the plate he had been preparing and set about making one for himself.

Soon they were all seated and no one spoke as they ate, Sae watched them like a mother hen from her place at the stove.

When they had all finished eating Katniss begin to help to clean up. Finnick and Haymitch were talking quietly while Haymitch nursed his drink. Sae's granddaughter took several dolls from her bag and played in the living room. Katniss paused clearing the dishes and took in the scene around her, for single moment she felt normal, like she might be able to do this. Like everything she had lost might have been worth it.

Just as suddenly a brown and white blur came flying through the open window past her, causing her to drop the plates she had been holding, several of them shattering in the sink. Everyone stopped and stared as the blur settled on the recently cleaned table hissing and flexing it's claws on the polished mahogany. Buttercup had come home.

Sae spoke, "He showed up a few weeks after you got home, pretty beat up but I took him in and cleaned him up. I think he's been waiting for you."

"It was the waste of a trip. She's not here," Katniss told him. Buttercup hissed again. "She's not here. You can hiss all you like. You won't find Prim." At her name, he perked up. Raised his flattened ears. Began to meow hopefully. "Get out!" He dodged the cup she threw at him. "Go away! There's nothing left for you here!" she started to shake, furious with him. "She's not coming back! She's never ever coming back here again!" She grabbed another glass. Out of nowhere, the tears began to pour down her cheeks. "She's dead." She sunk down on her heels, crying. "She's dead, you stupid cat. She's dead." A new sound, part crying, part singing, came out of her body, giving voice to her despair. Buttercup began to wail as well. He circled her, just out of reach, as wave after wave of sobs racked her body. But he must understand. He must have known that the unthinkable had happened and to survive would require previously unthinkable acts.

Haymitch wasn't phased by Katniss's outburst and simply poured another drink. Sae seemed to be shocked into place, but Finnick didn't hesitate and was by her side immediately wrapping his arms around her, rocking her through her tears.

"It will be okay Katniss, it's alright." He whispered in her ear.

"No it's not, nothing will ever be okay again."She cried burying her head in Finnick's shoulder. The entire scene only lasted a few moments but the silence, aside from Katniss's sobs, seemed to last forever.

"Sae, why don't you take Daisy home we can handle the rest. Thank you so much for a wonderful meal," Finnick said.

Sae cast her gaze towards a still shaking Katniss but nodded. "I'll be back around dinner time." She walked to the living room and gathered up Daisy, who seemed oblivious to what had happened, closing the door softly behind them.

"Looks like that's my cue too. You going to be okay Sweetheart, Fish boy?" Haymitch stood up from the table and drained his glass. When Finnick nodded he left as well.

Finnick helped Katniss up and led her to the chair Haymitch had just vacated and knelt next to her. His hands never left hers.

Katniss let the tears flow more freely than she ever had before. Even after her first Reaping, it all seemed to demand to be let go at once. She felt the weight of everything that had been taken from her crushing her. Buttercup had ripped open the wound of Prim and Peeta's deaths, and if possible made it hurt even more. Having him stare at her accusingly only served to remind Katniss that she had failed to protect her sister.

Katniss instinctively reached for the bottle, with it sweet promise of relief. Finnick pushed it out of her reach.

"No, no more drinking, it won't make this better."

"Nothing is going to make this better but at least it won't hurt as much." She wiped her face with her sleeve.

"Let me help you Katniss. Please" Finnick begged.

"How are you going to help? What can you do?" She choked out

"I can be here. You can talk to me," he pleaded.

"What the hell good is talking going to do? It didn't help they when they tried to make me talk to the doctor."

I'm not a doctor Katniss, I'm right here. I'm your friend. If anyone can relate to what you're going through I'm the clear winner."

"How do you do it? How do you get up everyday and just live?"

"It wasn't my first choice after Annie... after Annie died. I didn't think anything would be okay again but Jo, she wouldn't give up on me, she called me every night. I would sleep all day because it was too hard, but she refused to let me wallow, she made sure I did least one thing every day. She stayed on the phone with me the whole time until it was done. Sometimes we would cry, sometimes we wouldn't say anything, and sometimes we would fight. But she was always there. I didn't leave the house for a while. But she didn't care, even if it was just doing the dishes or eating a real meal.

Everyday it got a little easier. It still hurts every second of every day, but Jo reminded me that even though Annie was gone it would devastate her to see me like that. She would be ashamed for me to live my life that way and would want me to keep moving forward. Everyone sacrificed so much, some more than most to give us a better life, a better life for all of them and we owe it to them to live that way. The ones who died would want that for us. The hurt and pain never goes away Katniss, but maybe, just maybe we can make it hurt a little less together. We don't have to be alone."

Finnick gripped her chin and turned her face to look him in the eyes, "Please trust me."


	5. Chapter 5

Katniss could count the people she trusted on one hand and that was before most of them had died at the hands of the Capitol and the Revolution. To trust someone was asking her to open parts of herself, the most vulnerable parts, that she had closed off even before the explosion that ended Prim and Peeta's lives. Letting someone into the most private parts of her grief was something she wouldn't do easily.

Looking into Finnick's eyes as he held her gaze she saw what she knew was reflected in her own. Pain, anger, sadness, loss, and regret, but there was something else, something that glinted below the surface. Hope.

There shining in those sea green eyes beyond every injustice that had been thrust upon him was a belief that things would be better. It was the faith that somehow, someway, they could make it through. That they could survive, and possibly even thrive in this new world. Even when everything had been taken from him he was pulling himself through each day, relentlessly striving to keep himself together.

Both had done whatever it took to survive and keep their loved ones safe. Both martyrs in their own right and both the only ones left. They were the same. The only difference was Finnick still believed.

The fact that he could try to carve out a life for himself was in stark contrast to Katniss's method of avoidance and self flagellation.

Prim's voice echoed inside her head, as it had many times before, urging her to take the leap. Telling her to let him, or anyone, in. That even though Katniss had failed to protect her Prim still wanted to see her flourish.

Katniss considered what he had said before, that shutting down was a disservice to Prim, Peeta and everyone who had died so that they could live. Is this the life she would have wanted for any of them? To live no life at all?

She heard Peeta inside her head too. Her boy with the bread telling her she deserved to be happy. He loved her unconditionally and in the end he had given his life to try and bring her sister home. What would he had thought of her method of coping? Had she let them die for nothing?

Katniss begrudgingly admitted to herself that Finnick was right. If anyone was capable of understanding her and the roller coaster of emotions she felt everyday, it was him. Mags, tributes lost in the quarter Quell, along with countless others that had died while he helplessly watched. Not to mention Annie. He carried the same weight, if not more, and yet there was hope left in him.

She had never been a mentor, forced to watch her tributes slaughtered in the games year after year. Still she thought of all those inspired by the Mockingjay. All the deaths incurred in her name. Wasn't she responsible for that? Even if her image had liberated Panem, weren't all of those deaths on her hands?

Was there any way to move past the guilt that she was alive when the most important were not?

When she looked into Finnick's eyes she could almost believe that maybe there was. Her fellow Victor, ally, and friend. If they faced it together then maybe it was possible to make something of their existence. Together they could give some justice to those lost too soon.

She knew she would never see the innocence of the world through Prim's eyes or it's beauty through Peeta's, but maybe she could get through everyday without her ever present crutch.

The time that passed in the kitchen seemed to span forever although it only lasted a few seconds. Finnick's gaze never wavered and perhaps that was what gave Katniss the courage to whisper "I'll try."

He looked at her intently for a second more before giving her a small smile and straightening up. Without a breath passing between them he grabbed the bottle and dumped it down the drain. She cast one more look at Buttercup, still sitting at her feet, before she stood up as well. She ignored the pang in her heart that she knew would come with every swish of his tail.

Finnick walked to the living room and turned on the television, tuning the channel to one with music. "Rule number one, stop suffering in silence, there is no better way to let yourself drown than to let those voices in your head be the only thing you listen to."

Without a word she began picking up the pieces of broken plates in the sink. She thought how they so well represented her. At first glance some were broken simply in half and easily put back together but the deeper she went the more shattered they were. Some pieces lost forever.

Finnick's words in 13 flashed through her mind, "It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart." She had fallen apart, how long would it take her? She doubted she would ever be whole again.

Her grief was still crushing her but with Finnick's presence it seemed somehow more bearable. It was as if he had taken part of her burden and put it on himself.

He seemed content with the silence and had also decided to keep with the cleaning as he grabbed a rag and moved into the living room.

She followed silently, worried that her voice would betray the anguish coursing through her veins. How did this work? Was the agreement itself supposed to lessen the pain? Where did she start?

Finnick started on the coffee table by wiping away the dust from the bombing, leaving only the gleaming stone behind. She followed his lead by wiping away the thick layer that covered the table behind the large sofa.

He stopped when he saw a picture of a young Katniss on an end table. Pictures were rare in District 12; mostly for school and the picture he was looking at now. They had required a photo for her records when she came of reaping age.

Katniss cringed as he studied it. She had never thought of herself as remarkable, especially in the looks department, but she became self conscious under Finnick's scrutiny. Her hair was in two plaited braids, wearing the same dress Prim had worn to her first reaping. She looked older because of the tight line of her smile and the hardness in her eyes. She was a child already aware that the world was survival of the fittest, ready to crush her the first chance it got.

He simply grinned and placed the frame back on the table. She was thankful for his silence, not goading or resentful, just content to exist in the space she held. They worked methodically around the living room until it shined like the day she had walked in, freshly crowned as a Victor.

Haymitch allowed himself a small smile as he closed the door to Katniss's house and made his way home. He knew that losing Peeta would destroy her but losing Prim with him had sent her over the edge. He knew it would induce a recklessness in her that would inevitably end in calamity. As much as people claimed to know her, he was fully aware that not one of them ever really bothered to understand her.

Except maybe Plutarch.

Clever bastard.

He, like Plutarch, was not taken by surprise when she had put an arrow through Coin's heart. It was why he had agreed to another Hunger Games in the first place. He was under no illusion that what Coin wanted to happen was exactly what Katniss wasn't going to allow. He had even expected her attempted suicide, stopped only by Finnick's hand.

Unfortunately, he had never thought that she would turn to drinking her pain away. "The true coward's way out", he thought.

He had practiced it himself for years before she had come along. He had went along with it because he thought it would pass. She was too strong to let herself be dragged under. Surprisingly, she had seemed content to live the rest of her life as he had. "Wasted."

Finnick had been his last ditch effort to bring her back to herself. He was hoping to give the Girl on Fire a chance at life, at any kind of life that wasn't at the bottom of a bottle.

Both were children who had been used and laid bare, tossed aside when they had served their purpose. They could move on and maybe even live fulfilling lives, but there were some scars that would never heal.

Finnick had been her only constant in District 13. He was just as lost as she was but they were better when they were together. Each one holding the other up, pushing each other forward. Both of them too damn stubborn to let the other fall.

He was also aware that despite Finnick's objections to the contrary, he was not in fact okay. That boy was broken too, as was the carefully constructed wall he had built. It was going to break.

Draining the remaining liquor from his flask he nodded to himself. They were stronger together.

They started on the study next. While Katniss had blanched at the pile of letters and packages waiting for her at the very same desk Snow had threatened everyone she had ever loved Finnick had moved swiftly. He piled them together and set them in a corner to be dealt with another time. Sae must have given up taking the mail to her at Haymitch's house as she thought of the other pile waiting for her next to his fireplace.

Katniss and Finnick spent the remainder of the afternoon steadily working through the rest of the house, bypassing Prim's room. Katniss wasn't sure she would ever be able to face the memories of her Little Duck behind that door.

When they finished Finnick made them a tray of sliced meats and cheese and leftover fruit from breakfast. They kept the conversation light, with Finnick telling Katniss stories of the beach and the ocean.

How he could just sit in the sand and stare at the water for hours, that every pull of the waves called to him. The way that no matter what imperfections he put into the sand the tide would come and make it perfect again. How calming it was to just float weightless in the water and let the ocean carry him, sometimes so far out that he could barely see land.

It made Katniss happy to see him light up when he talked about it, his hands became animated and a smile danced across his face. She did wonder silently how he could talk about home so easily when all of those memories had to be entwined with memories of Annie. Although he hadn't mentioned her Katniss figured she was always at the forefront of his mind.

Instead he told her about the shells he liked to collect and how his father had taught him to sail. He told her there was nothing like being out in the open ocean, no one else around for miles.

They cleaned up lunch together while Katniss told him about District 12. Well as much as she could without bursting into tears. She told him about the Hob and Sae's stew. About Madge and how she had given her the Mockingjay pin, the symbol of a Revolution. Even Peeta's father and the cookies he had given her.

She didn't dare speak Prim's name for fear of losing whatever sense of harmony they had achieved today. But it felt nice to just have someone there with her, someone who had no expectations and let her move at her own pace.

They spent the rest of the afternoon looking through the catalog of supplies that could be ordered. Even though it was something so simple it really hit Katniss that this was only possible because of them.

There was anything you could imagine to order from food to a new table lamp. Supplies from every district available to every district. The way it should have always been, it left a warm feeling rushing through her.

Sae had appeared at dinner time with Daisy in tow, she came in cautiously but her face broke into a smile when she saw the two Victors laughing at the kitchen table. She had brought pork chops, potatoes, and asparagus.

Katniss helped her prepare dinner and Finnick entertained Daisy with her dolls. Haymitch never appeared, apparently preferring to drink his meal.

Over dinner Katniss learned more of things she had missed. Rebuilding of the District was going at a slow but steady pace. The Hob would be turned into a real shopping area. The meadow she had picked dandelions in years ago had been turned into a mass grave for over 9,000. Katniss had gasped at that and only Finnick grabbing her hand under the table had stopped her from running away.

It seemed Finnick wasn't the only one who wanted to remind Katniss that her sacrifices had not been in vain, though Sae seemed to do so in a much more direct way. She knew had to know these things, she couldn't hide forever and Sae had assumed better she hear them from her than it catching her by surprise.

There were also plans to build memorials in all of the Districts and the Capitol. A Congress has been elected, made up of people from all Districts, and they were working together to build a stronger, fairer Panem. They would not waste this opportunity, or try to gain from it as Coin would have.

Katniss hadn't spoken much and she held Finnick's hand tightly throughout the rest of the meal, but Sae managed to pepper the bad news in with the good.

After cleaning up Sae had bid them goodnight and took Daisy home promising to return for breakfast.

With nothing left for them do Finnick had convinced Katniss to sit in the living room and watch one of the cooking shows that had begun airing on the the tv, telling her that they couldn't count on Sae to cook for them forever. Katniss tried not to read into the fact that the statement meant he was planning to stay for awhile.

They made their way onto the couch and Katniss halfheartedly watched the program, hosted by a charismatic woman that promised feasts to delight the taste buds. Eventually she laid down with her head resting in Finnick's lap. He absentmindedly stroked her hair while watching one of the contestants catch his oven on fire.

They were both content for now. Although lulls like this usually meant reliving their greatest horrors somehow they calmed each other, keeping the worst memories at bay. Keeping each other minds off of the horrors that dragged them down.

For the first time in as long as Katniss could remember she felt at peace. There were no regrets, no monsters, no mutts. Just a calmness that settled around her like a warm blanket.

She wasn't sure when she had fallen asleep, but she woke long enough to feel Finnick lift her into his arms and carry her upstairs to her room.

He shushed her as he tucked her into the bed and settled into the chair he had somehow found time to move next her to bed.

"Get some rest Kitten, the real work starts tomorrow."


	6. Chapter 6

Katniss awoke the next morning to a slight pressure on her hand, turning her head she saw Finnick sitting in a chair next to her, his upper half spread across the side of the bed. She didn't recall having any nightmares, which hadn't happened since Peeta had held her on their way to the Quarter Quell. For the first time in as long as she could remember she felt well rested. She studied Finnick quietly, he looked so young without the constant furrow on his brow and without jaw clenched as though he was seconds away from crying out in pain. She waited until his hand relaxed and she slowly slipped out of bed.

Katniss resisted an unusual urge to run her hand across his cheek and instead made her way to the bathroom, disrobing and studying herself in the mirror. She was still too thin, a liquor diet meant that her ribs poked out unpleasantly out from her sides and she pinched the skin and grimaced. She lightly fingered the scars that crossed her cheek down the side of her neck to her collarbone. With a sigh she ran her other hand across her left side, tracing the scar that ran from her stomach to her ankle. Finnick had managed to put out the flames that coated her body before they could do much damage but the scars that were there were a stark reminder of her failure.

When she closed her eyes she saw Peeta with Prim cradled in his arms before they were completely obscured by the flames. She could feel every second of it as the fire was still consuming her, licking hungrily at her skin. She reached towards them as if she could pull them away from the danger. The screams from rebels and Capitolites alike reverberated in her bones while the cries of half dead children tore through her like daggers. She shook her head lightly she backed away from the mirror and stepped into the shower. She turned the water until it burned as if the scalding water could scorch her as those flames had burned her soul.

She had never gotten used to the unlimited hot water supply in her house, baths before she was a victor consisted of a pot boiling over the fire and scrubbing herself down as fast as she could before it became unbearably cold. Even then she had always let Prim bathe first. The water rushed over her and for a moment she found herself enjoying the sensation, letting it work it's way through the tight muscles of her shoulders and back.

She wondered where she was supposed to go from here. She had never considered what awaited her at the end of the Revolution. Her plans had ended at Snow's death; and if she was being honest she had counted on dying long before she even reached the Capitol. Just one more victim claimed by the ruthlessness of war, a martyr to be twisted and used by Coin to further the cause.

Yet here she was, alive, forced to face her grief and deal with the memories of those who had sacrificed themselves so she could succeed at a yet unknown goal.

Her thoughts suddenly turned to the Morphling who had jumped in front of Peeta in the Quell, willingly letting a baboon tear out her throat.

She had paid little attention when Haymitch had pointed her out, just another person she would have to kill to survive. She had never known the woman's name but this woman given her life to save Peeta; simply because he was crucial to Katniss's survival, to the success of the mission. Would she consider her sacrifice needed when Peeta had still come to mercy at the hands of the Capitol? Would she think her life had been wasted?

Katniss's mind burned with the color of that sunset, of Peeta's voice urging the woman to turn her eyes to the sky. The beautiful strokes of colors painted above them while the Morphling's hand ran across Peeta's jaw just before the light left her eyes.

Suddenly the steam from the shower felt suffocating and Katniss violently pushed herself from the glass cage. She panted desperately on the floor, allowing the cool tile to ground her back to reality. She took several moments before standing, willing her shoulders to stop shaking. She wrapped the towel around herself, avoiding the mirror and walking directly from the bathroom to her closet.

She found little relief there as all of the clothes screamed with Cinna's handiwork, one more person who has sacrificed himself for her, as if she was worthy of such a thing. She clawed at the drawer she knew held casual wear and dressed as quickly as she could. She forced herself to breath as she stumbled out of the closet directly into Finnick's arms.

Her chest was tight and her vision had blurred as the memories assaulted her. Unintelligible sobs tore from her throat as he held her ans if letting go meant she would fade into nothingness. Her whole body shook as he carried her back to her bed, laying her gently on the blankets, crawling up beside her.

He said nothing as the grief ripped through her, simply running his hands over her and rocking her gently back and forth. She lost herself in the memories of the last two years.

What kind of fool had she been to think that Finnick being there could assuage all the guilt that refused to be forgotten? How desperately she wanted to turn it off, to give herself any reprieve from the terror that seemed to follow her every waking moment. There was no escape, she would carry this forever.

She thought she heard Haymitch but just as quickly he was gone again. She cried until there was nothing left, letting herself fold into Finnick's embrace. She tried to focus only on Finnick, the way his arms curved around her, how he held every part of her, body and soul. Every unpleasant memory forced aside as she concentrated only on him, not really hearing his words but clinging to the deep baritone of his voice.

Finally after what seemed like an endless amount of time the room began to focus around her again. She took several deep breaths and pulled herself out of his grasp. She ran her fingers through her damp hair and stood up. She didn't dare look Finnick in the eye for fear that she would lose herself again. Instead she mumbled a thank you and stumbled out of the room and down the stairs.

The kitchen was empty but two plates of eggs and sausage sat on the table. Finnick had wordlessly followed her down from her room, thankfully he asked no questions instead taking a seat and taking a drink as she stood in the doorway.

He took his time with his breakfast, pausing occasionally to look at Katniss. After a while she felt she had composed herself enough to join him at the table, forcing herself to eat even though the food felt like sandpaper grinding down her already raw throat. When she had cleaned her plate, a habit she was unable to break, Finnick cleared their dishes.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked.

"Not really," she answered softly intently studying the grain of the table avoiding Finnick's gaze.

He left it at that, stacking the dishes in the strainer and wiping his hands on his pants. "What do you want to do today?"

"Drink."

He chuckled softly sitting back across from her. "Anything except that."

Before her games she might have spent time with Gale in the woods, gone to the Hob with Prim, or mixed medicines for her mother. Yet these simple acts were so far out of her grasp she felt her chest constrict again, indecision making her breath comes in short gasps. It had been too long since she had made a choice as simple as what to do with her day.

"Hey, it's okay we can take it easy today. The weather's nice, let's just sit outside for awhile." His hand came across the table and gripped hers firmly. He gave her a small grin and didn't let go of her as he stood and pulled her towards the front door.

They sat together on the front stairs, it was later than Katniss expected, the sun already high overhead. She wondered how she was supposed to spend with her days now. There was no real need to hunt, she had no one to care for except herself, no need to grind herbs for medicine as there was no one to administer them, Gale was gone and the thought of going into the woods made her shudder. How did ordinary people spend their time? What was left for her to give?

Perhaps Snow had achieved one last victory before his death, while the Revolution was successful everything she loved had turned to ash. She thought of his face when she sank her arrow into Coin's heart, his maniacal laughter had echoing around her even as Finnick's trident embedded itself in his chest. He died knowing that although he lost Panem but he had finally broken her.

She found herself unable to sit still on the stairs instead deciding to walk the square of the Victor's Village. Finnick stayed where he was, his eyes following the restless path she wore.

She questioned how she had survived so many hours of idleness. How quickly she had lost an entire year, floating in a haze as the seasons passed around her. Her absence had made little to no impact, the New Panem had seemingly cast her aside. A broken symbol who had served her purpose, now she would be forgotten.

Perhaps it was for the best, there was nothing left for her to offer.

Finnick watched as she paced, giving her a hopeful smile every time she passed. After awhile he pulled the rope out of his pocket and began to tie knots. The action was a comfortable as breathing for him anymore as his fingers twisted the strand into intricate braids.

Sae appeared sometime later with Daisy trailing close behind her. She told them to fetch Haymitch and she would begin preparing dinner. Finnick hadn't even noticed that lunch time had come and gone as he trailed behind Katniss to the elder Victor's door.

Katniss barged right in calling for Haymitch. When there was no answer they searched the house finding him asleep in the upstairs bathroom, bottle clutched in his hands. After several unsuccessful attempts to wake him Katniss turned water to cold and doused him with the removable shower head.

He awoke violently swinging his empty liquor bottle around wildly while spewing curses.

"What in the hell is the matter with you girl?" Haymitch sputtered wiping the water out of his eyes .

"It was time for your bath anyways, I did everyone a favor." Katniss responded dryly.

"Be that as it may… I do not appreciate your concern." Haymitch shot her a glare as Finnick covered his face to hide a snicker.

"No reason to make Greasy Sae suffer, for some ungodly reason she wants to feed you. She's over making dinner right now." Katniss said giving him a pointed look.

"Oh well, why didn't you say so? Let's get a move on Princess." Haymitch replied stumbling to the stairs.

Katniss followed Haymitch out the door ignoring the slur of words streaming from his mouth. Finnick took the time to quickly change his clothes and fix his hair, giving himself a small grin in the mirror before trailing out behind them.

The smell of sizzling meat greeted them as they walked into the kitchen at Katniss's house, Haymitch grumbled appreciatively, ignoring Sae's look of disapproval as he slumped into a chair.

There was little conversation as they ate. Instead there was only the scraping of forks against plates and Daisy's soft humming to break the quiet.

Haymitch was too busy shoveling food into his mouth to notice the strained look on Katniss's face, but for Finnick it was unmistakable. He had seen it reflected in his own when he had reached the end of his rationale. When he had decided everyone would be better off without him, that he had nothing left to give.

He said nothing but his eyes never left her face, even when Sae cleared their plates and shooed Haymitch back home, following close behind him. He was still studying her intently while she prowled across the sitting room. Katniss showed no sign that she noticed, restlessly moving around the room.

"It's okay to be afraid," Finnick murmured quietly when she passed him as he sat on the couch.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Katniss brushed off, not missing a step in her pacing.

"I know what it's like to feel empty. To have no purpose, to feel like the world has moved on, forgetting you. But what your're thinking about, it will only hurt everyone that's left behind." He paused looking her directly in the eye, "And everyone that's not."

Katniss faltered only momentarily, but the guilt in her eyes was evident. She tensed waiting for Finnick to continue, but he only took his rope from his pocket and began tying knots.

Katniss abandoned her pacing a little while later instead moving to sit beside Finnick on the couch. She said nothing as his fingers worked to shape the rope. Sighing she laid her head on his shoulder.

"How do I survive when all the good in my world has been taken away?"

"You try and find new good I suppose," Finnick said without looking at her. "Just because we can't see it right now doesn't mean that it doesn't exist."

"How can I believe that? Everywhere I look all I can see is the pain and suffering. Every time I close my eyes it's right there. Mocking me, telling me that I haven't done enough. That it will never be enough.."

"Because the only thing you are seeing is your own pain, which of course is something you are allowed to do. "

He set the rope aside and turned to face her. "But don't forget what you have done for so many people Katniss. You inspired a nation, you gave them hope, you made them believe that they deserved to be free. You took something burning beneath the surface and coaxed it into a full fledged inferno. I know you that you have lost so much, but you have given so much more than you realize."

Katniss shook her head softly, "It's not enough Finnick, I don't care about any of them. Not like Prim or Peeta…"

"And no one expects you to kitten." He took her hand into his, running his thumb across her knuckles. "This is not something that is going to be easy. Nothing will make that pain go away. Everyday there will be something that will hurt, some reminder of everything that's gone. You will not get through this in one day, not in 10 years, probably never. It's always going to hurt Katniss, the best we can do is survive. But I promise I will be here every step of the way, whatever you need I will be right here with you. Together we will survive"

Katniss said nothing as she leaned closer into him. Her head fell to his lap and he began running his fingers through her hair. "Where do I find good Finnick? I have nothing left and I'm not sure that I can find hope in anything. Prim was my light, she was everything good in the world. Everything I wanted to flourish, and instead it's just gone."

"I can't answer that, I don't think anyone can." He paused before continuing. "Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is thinking about what Annie would want me to do. She wasn't crazy like everyone thought she was, this mad Victor. She was there most of the time before...before she was taken. What everyone saw wasn't who she was, she was wonderful, but any reminders of what she had gone through just broke her. She had this infectious laugh and a smile that could brighten any room. She had the voice of an angel and could weave these stories so full of wonder and magic, I like to think that's where she went when things got to be too much for her." He preferred not to think of the alternative.

"She would be so disappointed in me if I gave up, even though she wasn't strong enough. She knew that I was and I just repeat that to myself every time I pull myself out of the nightmares. Things might not have ended up the way I wanted them to, but I can't change the past and it only hurts to dwell in it. We are alive and here now. So even if you are only taking it one second at a time you owe it to Prim…and Peeta to try to live your life. And maybe, possibly enjoy your life."

Katniss didn't have a response to that so she just sighed and they fell into a comfortable silence. Finnick turned on the television and they settled into to watch another cooking show.

As the episode wound to a close Katniss found herself yawning, but prolonging going to sleep because she wasn't ready to confront the nightmares that would surely greet her. With a groan she pulled herself out of Finnick's lap, she hesitated, unsure what to do.

Finnick had come to her the first night he was there, reassuring her when the nightmares had ripped her apart despite the horrible things she had said. This morning she had awoken to him asleep at her side with the first real rest she had gotten in over a year. She thought back to the many nights she and Peeta had shared a bed, keeping each other's horrors at bay.

She assumed he was planning on staying with Haymitch, she had seen his suitcase when they went over earlier. She considered asking him to stay, but Finnick seemed to take her hesitation as a sign to leave so he stood and placed a chaste kiss on her head. "I'll see you for breakfast Kitten, don't eat all of the bacon."

She sat on the couch for a little longer before making her way to her room, the sooner she went to sleep the sooner she could wake up. After changing into a nightgown she crawled into her bed, eyeing the bottle of liquor that still sat on her bedside table. There was enough left to ensure that she wouldn't dream, but imagining the disappointment on Finnick's face was enough to force her to turn away.

She felt as if she had barely closed her eyes when it began. Her dreams were a blur of white roses mingled with burning flesh and Snow's laughter. Each moment seemingly stretched into eternity.

This time she felt his presence before she was even fully awake. He was cradling her in his arms again, this time he was softly singing into her ear while he stroked her hair. As soon as she was free of the nightmare she began openly sobbing into his shoulder.

Katniss realized she hadn't been asleep for long, evident in the stars she saw outside of her bedroom window when she finally wiped the tears from her face. She felt guilty for keeping Finnick awake again realizing he must have heard her from Haymitch's house, but she was silently grateful he was there. When she tried to apologize he shushed her, instead arranging them more comfortably on the bed and continuing to murmur what she assumed was a song from District 4. She felt her eyelids grow heavy and soon she was asleep in a blissful dreamless state.

When she awoke again it was to a crashing in the kitchen accompanied by shouting. Her Victor's instincts kicked in and she jumped out of bed grabbing the bottle next to her to use as a weapon. She didn't even pay attention to an equally alert Finnick following her down the stairs.

She couldn't stop her laughter at the scene that greeted her in the kitchen. Greasy Sae was swatting an obviously drunk Haymitch with a wooden spoon while his arms, thrown over his head, who was taking the brunt of her frustration.

"…don't know what kind of nonsense you got up to in the Capitol, but I'll have none of it, you hear me?" Sae screeched giving him a final swat with her spoon.

"Jesus woman, calm yourself." Haymitch shouted, a piece of bacon hanging out of his mouth, retreating to his seat at the table.

Upon seeing Katniss and Finnick Sae's face changed to a smile as she motioned for them to sit at the table placing plates full of food in front of them.

"Everything okay?" Finnick asked before starting on his breakfast. Katniss set the bottle on the table and Haymitch grabbed it immediately pouring some into his tea.

"Oh it's no never mind to you darling, this old geezer just needs some lessons in manners," Sae replied raising her spoon towards Haymitch who suddenly appeared extremely interested in his eggs. With that she turned back to the stove and dished herself a plate.

Katniss tried to hide her smile behind her hand while Haymitch shot her dirty looks in between bites. "Keep laughing sweetheart, wait until she turns that spoon on you. She's a vicious old bat," he grumbled.

The rest of breakfast went without incident but as everyone shuffled out of the door the telephonme gave a shrill ring. 


	7. Chapter 7

She flinched with every ring, she had forgotten she even had a telephone. Finnick squeezed her shoulder before walking over and picking up the receiver.

"Everdeen household," his voice was clipped with a Capitol accent, all business.

When the voice on the other end spoke his face relaxed and he waited until Katniss had ushered everyone out before holding the phone to her. "It's your mother."

Katniss's whole body trembled, what was she going to say? What was there to say? She had failed, as soon as she had been crowned a victor, while saving Peeta's life, she had signed Prim's death warrant. If she was honest with herself the moment she had volunteered a part of her had known she was sacrificing them both.

Quieting the voices in her head she took a breath before taking the phone from Finnick's hand. "Mom?"

She tried to ignore the rush of gratitude that flowed through her body at her mother's sigh of relief. "Katniss. I've been so worried"

Any resentment that Katniss felt towards her melted away and for just a moment she latched on to all of the love that she had missed over the years. She let everything else fade away and slid into the embrace of her mother's voice.

"How are things in 4?" Katniss asked, willing her voice to be steady.

"Things are okay. They've finished building the hospital, but there is still a lot to do. I spend most of my time there, it makes things easier." Her unspoken words hit Katniss like ice water. It makes it easier to forget, to forget District 12, to forget Prim, to forget her.

They were both silent for a few long breaths before Katniss managed to whisper, "I'm glad, that's where you should be, helping people. That's what Prim would have wanted."

Just saying her name made Katniss sob, "I'm so sorry I couldn't save her. I tried, I tried so hard. "

She heard her mother's voice catch in her throat before murmuring, "Oh Katniss, you did everything you could, I...Prim knows you tried."

"No...no I could have...I should have done more..." she felt the tears coming, her vision clouded with blond pigtails, white roses, and flames, overwhelming anything else.

"No," her mother said with more conviction than Katniss remembered her having, "that's enough. You have to stop blaming yourself. None of this was your fault..."

Her mother continued to speak but Katniss was drowning in her own memories, oblivious to Finnick's hands running up and down her arms trying to ground her to the present.

She felt herself slipping as she replayed Prim's last moments in her mind. She was barely aware of Finnick taking the phone from her hand, he said a few words to her mother before carrying her upstairs. After so many days of feeling like she might have things under control her mother's voice was enough to send her right back to oblivion.

Three days passed before Katniss even moved in her bed. She could feel Finnick by her side, trying to talk her through the guilt, but the memories were relentless.

Sae left breakfast every morning and Finnick never pried or questioned her, instead pushing food or drink into her reluctant body. Every part of her cried for the numbing relief of alcohol but Finnick was always there to stay her hand. He had apparently decided to stay with her and she cursed his presence with every breath.

She spent most of the days contemplating if she was going to dissolve into a mess every time Prim or the games were mentioned and most nights berating herself for being so weak and wishing she could take Prim's place.

When she tore herself awake from yet another nightmare on the fourth day everything hit her full force as her whole body shook with sobs.

"Welcome back Kitten," Finnick murmured from his perch in the chair at her bedside. She said nothing, instead recalling with painful clarity every harsh word she had spoken while he sat by her side.

"I couldn't save her, I couldn't save anyone that mattered," Katniss whispered after a few moments, she wrapped her arms around her legs and buried her head in her knees. Faces flashed before her eyes and she began to name them off, "Mags, Annie, Boggs, Jackson, Leeg 1&2, Castor, Cinna, Peeta, Prim. They're all dead because of me."

Finnick placed his hand on her arm, "Katniss you have to stop, you have to stop putting all of this on yourself. You could have never saved them all. Not one person expected you to except for maybe yourself. They're always going haunt you, but you have to learn to live with their ghosts; there's no bringing them back. We can't change it, nothing can change it." He let out a soft sigh and sat next to her on the bed.

"Prim knew that it might not be safe when she went to the Capitol. She did it anyways, Peeta ran into a wall of fire to try to save her. Both of them knew what it meant going to the Capitol, they knew they might not come back. They did it because they believed in what we were doing, they were brave. Like you."

This only made Katniss angry, "I wasn't brave, I was stupid, nothing but a foolish child," she cried jumping from the bed, "I should have saved her...I knew what Snow...what Coin was capable of! I am responsible for her death, her blood, their blood is on my hands!"

The composure Finnick had held since his arrival seemed to finally reach it's breaking point, he jumped up leveling his eyes with Katniss's."How? How could you know? We all figured Coin would kill you if Snow didn't beat her to it. Most likely with me beside you; we have and always will be expendable to people like them. None of us could have known what would happen, and we did it anyways. Every single person you just named, along with thousands of other people put their faith in you, whether you wanted them to or not. You might not have asked for it but they did and you freed them Katniss, you gave them hope when they had nothing."

He cupped his hands around her face forcing her to look at him, "I know you only wanted to save Prim, I know that with every fiber of my being, but you did so much more than that. I know that's not what you see but sometimes you don't get to choose which path you take, you don't get a choice in the way things happen. You inspired a nation, you united them, Katniss, you gave them freedom. With everything that happened we did our best."

"My best went up flames so please tell me what was it worth to me? The Rebellion, the Capitol, they ended up being one in the same and Prim is dead either way! If I had just let Peeta kill me in the first games none of this would have happened. He would be a Victor and Prim would be safe," her voice cracked as tears streamed down her face.

"And then what? Peeta would be forced to be a Capitol whore like me and Prim would spend the next six years with her name in that bowl just waiting for Effie to call out her name, and you wouldn't have been there to do a damn thing about it. You, me, Johanna, Haymitch, Beetee, hell even Enobaria, have nothing left, they took everything from us. No one is denying that, no one is trying to take that from you, least of all me. That's what they do, what they will always do. But we are still here and we owe it to them, the ones who died, to live the lives they will never get to have. We live for their memories because they believed in something that was bigger than all of us."

"Everyone I have ever loved is gone, at least before this they had a chance. I'm not like you Finnick, I can't just act like everything is okay. You can't fix me and I don't want you to. I don't want to get up everyday and pretend like my life is worth something. I should have died in the games and if not then the Capitol," Katniss turned away from him, defeat in her voice.

"Where does that leave anyone? They loved you Katniss and they sacrificed everything for you, and that has got to mean something for us. If it doesn't what did they die for, what did Annie die for? So please Katniss tell me, if it all means nothing then what the fuck do we have left? You think that I'm okay, that things are just fine for me? That's it's easy for me to get up and get on with my life? That I can look at you everyday and not be reminded of everything I've lost?" Finnick lost all of his self control, flinging the vase of fresh flowers Sae had left shattering into the wall across from them. Katniss flinched but didn't turn around.

He cast one more look at her before stalking out and slamming the door behind him.

She heard Finnick exchange a few words with Sae just before the front door closed. She listened to Sae bustling around the kitchen as his words washed over her, the echo of his anger crashing in her ears.

Annie hadn't even crossed her mind since that first night when she had accused him of trying to forget her. When that's exactly what she had done, it was so easy to forget that she wasn't the only one suffering. Finnick had lost just as much as she had, his wedding to Annie was the first thing to flash in her mind followed quickly by Mags walking into the fog. Despite the loss of his future he was there with her in District 12, trying to remind her of who she was or trying to forget himself she wasn't sure. Most likely a combination of both, which just made her chest constrict tightly. She had never asked for any of this.

Katniss screamed until she was hoarse, not caring who would hear her. How dare they try to take this from her after everything they had asked, she had earned the right to do as she pleased. Yet here she was trying to act like things were okay, trying to pretend that there was something left for her here.

To hell with them all.

She went to the back of her closet and after a few minutes of digging found what she was looking for. Sitting in an ignored suitcase from her Victory Tour was a bottle of clear liquor, one she had taken from Haymitch after a pathetically vicious argument. As she sat against the chest of drawers savoring the liquor as it slid down her throat she thought it was a bit of poetic justice. She owed no one anything and she breathed a sigh of relief as the liquid burned its way into her stomach. She embraced the haze with every gulp, the demons in her head truly quieting for the first time in days. Nothing could touch her, even if it did she didn't care.

Hearing Sae walk up the stairs Katniss made no move to leave her place in the closet, quietly musing to herself the place she couldn't escape from fast enough earlier had suddenly become her place of refuge. Sae merely tutted her and set a tray of food on the end table before she went about cleaning up the broken vase. Once she was finished she sat down in Finnick's recently vacated chair.

"Haven't we already done this dear? Lord knows that boy has done nothing but try to help you and you repay him by screaming at him. Now what good has that ever done anyone?"

The bile rose in her throat, she knew he would never admit it but she still felt guilt at the fact that while she hadn't asked him to come she never considered what he was giving up to be there. Another mad victor that he gave every part of himself to save with little thought to himself.

Katniss took another drink before responding, "I never asked to be rescued, that's on Haymitch. I told Finnick I wasn't going to be substitute for Annie, I don't need someone to come here and fix me, I don't want it. Win the games and live in peace, that was the deal wasn't it? I think I went above and beyond, Snow is gone, Coin is gone. I liberated Panem, doesn't that earn me the right to live the rest of my life as I see fit? I don't remember anyone bothering Haymitch this much," her mind recalled him vomiting all over himself at her reaping. He had won and no one had expected anything more from him; the only time he was really seen was during the games. Even then he was barely conscious.

"Show's over, the time for keeping up appearances is long gone, I think an arrow to the new President's chest is proof enough of that. Who are any of you to tell me what to do? Prim and Peeta don't care, they're gone, they don't need me to keep them alive anymore. Everyone else is allowed to forget, why can't I? Gale gets to stay in 2, Johanna gets to do what she wants in 7, I don't see anyone trying to make Haymitch sober. Even my mother gets to run away to District 4, to get away from every excruciating memory that District 12 has to offer. Why can't I just be left alone?"

Sae seemed to take Katniss's words thoughtfully before simply responding, "Katniss Everdeen I have seen many things in my years, some pleasant, most not. I've known your family since before you were even a thought and in all of my years I have never someone with more fight in them. Even when you were a young'un bartering with your father in the Hob there was something about you. It takes a special kind of person to inspire people the way that you did. No one, least of all me, is saying you don't deserve to be left alone and if that's what you want I won't begrudge you that. Whatever you decide just remember whether we like it or not reality always makes it presence known. You might not see it but you are worth saving." Sae stood from the chair walked out without giving her a chance to respond. Katniss ignored the food, instead taking another drink and letting herself get lost in the familiar warmth of the alcohol.

Finnick slammed into Haymitch's house, his vision blurred with sadness or rage, he couldn't decide. He ignored the look that a well fed and mostly sober Haymitch gave him as he reached for the half empty bottle on the table, drinking until he choked.

The silence stretched as Finnick wiped the tears streaming down his face while Haymitch pretended to be interested in the television. Finnick had been a fool to think that coming here to help Katniss would help anything at all. Who was he to give advice to a woman who had lost just as much as he had?

Annie and Mags floated through his thoughts. Mags taking him under her wing after he won, her walking him through countless games, soothing him as tribute after tribute died in front of his eyes. The way she held him after he learned what being a Victor truly meant. Her goodbye before walking into to the fog to save them. The moment Annie had become a Victor, their time spent in their cave, the way she clung to him as he promised to come back to her year after year of being forced to mentor and the final time, when he pried her fingers away as he followed Katniss into the Capitol.

He loved Annie with his whole heart, from the beginning they had a connection that he thought could survive anything. She never asked and neither did he. They both took what they needed from each other, and usually that meant one of them ignoring the other until the tears were nothing but broken sobs as one bad memory after another assaulted them. It was also something pure, something Finnick did his best to make sure the Capitol couldn't tarnish.

Annie had sneaked up on him, but in a way he hadn't expected, she was someone who could quiet the voices, the guilt, the expectations of the Capitol. Unlike anyone else she never questioned where he had gone, time seemed to hold no meaning to her. As if the only passage of time was when he left and when he returned, she never pried, never looked at him with jealousy or pity. She was never possessive or demanding, seemingly content with the small bit of himself he could give her and that was made her so special to him.

He was never more himself when he was with Annie and now she was gone and even though he wasn't trying to treat Katniss that way she was slowly becoming that, his escape from the Capitol, a way to keep himself, at least of piece of it hidden away.

Because once the Capitol had fallen he had become a whole new kind of celebrity, something Katniss had seemingly been able to avoid. Or at the very least ignore. Snow might be gone but the Capitol hadn't really changed. There were still plenty who wanted to know every single thing about him, his distraction while Peeta and Annie and Joanna were being rescued seemed to only fan the flames. He had exposed Snow's secrets along with countless others, but at the same time he had bared the deepest parts of himself, allowing them to see him for what he truly was. The Capitol being the Capitol, even in this new day and age, had eaten it all up. They wanted to know every sordid detail and even though Paylor had kept them from District 4 the media had still dissected every word he had said. His saving of the mad Mockingjay and everything that implied being their favorite topic of discussion.

From the beginning he was under no illusion about the woman Katniss Everdeen was and it became even more apparent after the hours he spent with her as he tied his rope waiting for nothing in District 13, when they were both too broken to be of any use. She stayed with him even when they had thought Annie and Peeta were lost to them forever. To anyone that mattered they knew Prim had been her only restraint and even then no one was prepared for what she was capable of once she was gone.

A part of him that had sprung to life when he had seen her chariot ride out into the Capitol Square. Immediately he had noticed something different, not just in the way Cinna had styled them or the way she and Peeta had raised their hands over their heads as their chariot rode by. Here was someone who hadn't resigned themselves to the games or volunteered to bring honor to their district. He knew this was a girl with her own agenda, she wouldn't be a Capitol puppet.

This was only reinforced when they had met during the Quarter Quell. She was fighting for something more than just survival, that much was obvious. What wasn't obvious, at least to her, was the effect she had on people. There was a spark he had seen in her, that fire burning in her eyes had given him the first hint of life he had seen in years and he wasn't the only one who saw it.

Even though he knew she would see him as an enemy in the arena he had been more than eager to align himself with her. The fact that she was immune to his charm during training solidified his choice and he smiled as he watched her and Mags together. He had taken the golden bracelet from Haymitch knowing what it meant for him. He was promising to give his life to save her even if she never trusted him and even though she had no idea what she about to become a part of. She was everything they had hoped and more.

Even when Coin had tried to spin another Hunger Games, droning on about recompense, the Victors had easily seen past her farce. He saw Katniss's eyes flash with that same defiance he had seen in the Capitol and voted in her favor, eager for the same revenge.

Together they had walked out hand in hand for Snow's execution, his mind drifting back to the first time he had seen her, the girl on fire.

So when she had loosed her arrow into Coin's heart there was no hesitation as his trident simultaneously buried itself into Snow's chest. The moment it had left his fingers he had clamped his hand over the nightlock capsule on her suit. He was well aware what her intentions were, having contemplated the act himself thousands of times over the years.

He recalled the way Katniss's teeth had sunk into his knuckles, drawing blood, stopping her death as Coin toppled from her platform. The way she had screamed at him, cursed him, as they carried her away still ringing in his ears. He refused lose her like he had lost Annie.

Perhaps it was selfish and no matter what he told himself it all came down to the fact that he didn't want her to leave him alone.

Maybe she was right, maybe there wasn't a point. There were so many who weren't broken, people who would flourish now. Those people were the future, so where did the Victors, the War Heroes fit in? They would never be able to live normal lives, their pasts made sure of that. After everything that they had been through would it ever be enough to settle into this new life, was that even possible? Was it fair to ask them to?

He fell into the chair he had pulled Katniss from and let himself get lost watching the flames.


	8. Chapter 8

When Katniss woke in the morning, greeted by the all too familiar feeling of a hangover, she found herself drooling on a makeshift bed of the luxury dresses that Cinna had crafted. Sighing without allowing herself to give it much thought she walked to the bathroom and granted herself a small shower before twisting her hair up into her usual braid and moving back to the bedroom. The food Sae left the night before sat there taunting her, so she grabbed the tray and made her way back downstairs.

She was blessedly alone, somehow Sae had a supernatural ability to tell when Katniss needed time for herself so the kitchen was empty. Katniss monetarily felt herself missing the sound of Finnick's chatter, the way he drew everyone into the conversation with ease. Even Haymitch would give himself a moment of relief from slugging back his booze to laugh at whatever Finnick was saying. The delighted laughs from Daisy as Finnick doted on her and Sae's exasperated but fond expression as she watched them from the stove were also briefly missed.

With an almost snarl Katniss shoved the thoughts from her mind and swallowed down her meal. Once her plate was washed and she had no other pressing matters she found herself surfing through the channels on television like she would do if Finnick was there, she didn't let herself think too much on it. Her hand stilled when she saw her mother facing her on the screen. She was talking to a reporter, obviously from the Capitol if her bright blue hair and exorbitant make up were any indication. Katniss turned the volume up and sat on the edge of the couch. "... and of course one of the most important things we are hoping to accomplish as quickly as possible is to get easy access to healthcare for all of the Districts, it's definitely a top priority for myself and for the New Capitol. So many Districts are lacking even the most basic health care resources and we are working as quickly as we can to get trained doctors and healers stationed and hospitals established where they are severely needed. While District 4 will remain the central hub for medicine we want to be sure that everyone has access to the services that are desperately needed and lacking. While there are still some things to finish setting up we are opening our doors and plan to start offering people the kind of care they deserve immediately. Along with the new additions to the building we have ongoing training programs so that we can bring in more support staff and hopefully soon get more clinics open in other districts. We have a lot of great things in the works."

Katniss was glued to the television and she couldn't stop herself from grinning as her mother smiled and cut a yellow ribbon. Her mother looked better than she had in years, as if she had found a small part of peace with herself.

There was more discussion about the new hospital and when the reporter tried to get her mother to answer questions the Capitol obviously had about Katniss her mother swept them aside with grace she hadn't known she had possessed. Mrs. Everdeen stood tall and proud, only someone who knew her could see the familiar grief burning in her eyes.

Katniss closed her eyes, letting emotions wash over her in waves, there was gratitude that her mother had found a cause, sadness at the thought that it wasn't Prim leading the charge beside her, a short burst of anger that her mother had seemingly escaped or at least managed to hide the trauma that accompanied the mention of her daughters, and guilt for begrudging her mom something that brought her any small amount of peace. All of these feelings warred inside of her trying to over take the feelings of resentment that came from the catatonic state she had dragged her mother from after the mine explosion.

Where was this side of her mother when her father died? This woman was unrecognizable from the woman had done nothing but slide into darkness when her husband died, leaving her two daughters to fend for themselves. The woman who would rather starve than acknowledge anything was wrong. Katniss thought of all the times she had forced food into her mother's mouth all the while screaming at her for abandoning them. Still her mother refused to let anything from the real world in. Content to let herself fade to the ether just to avoid dealing with her pain.

Katniss thoughts stopped short at that accusational diatribe. Thinking too hard along that train of thought led down the path that remarked on the disturbing similarities she shared with her mother. This was not the same thing, she argued to herself, this wasn't comparable. Katniss didn't have any responsibility so it was absolutely not the same thing. She was all alone, there wasn't a single person depending on her survival anymore. Alone, nothing left and that sat fine with her.

With a groan she switched the television off and looked out the window. There was no movement at Haymitch's house that she could see. Even if there was she told herself she didn't care, Finnick wouldn't want to see her anymore that's for sure. She wouldn't be surprised if he had caught the first train back to District 4. He didn't need her baggage on his own. Finnick was a poster child for self flagellation without her adding to it.

She scoffed at her inner ramblings and made her way back to the kitchen. Without much thought she found another bottle of liquor behind the flour and sugar. She had totally forgotten about it because she had never thought she needed it. It was just second nature, hoarding supplies. So there it was behind the ingredients that were never used and she sighed softly as she took the first drink. It burned her throat like fire, this wasn't the prize stash she was able to order from the Capitol, this was rot gut probably brewed in someone's bathtub and still she gave a small purr of relief as the alcohol flowed through her veins.

She wanted to forget, just like she always did. Forget about Prim and her mother and the guilt that accompanied every memory of them. Haymitch and his compliance, Sae with her determination to not let Katniss wither and die, and Finnick's newfound determination to make her a better person. She wasn't the better person, she never would be. She had killed Coin for the simple fact she was instrumental in Prim's death, Snow had been the original cause so he had died too, and everything she had done in her games and propos were nothing more than fanfare.

Little shows to hide her bloodlust for everyone who had tried to drag her dear sweet Prim in to the lion's den. She had made them all pay and that was what mattered Katniss thought as she gulped the the mouthful of booze.

She sighed as she was swallowed by the numbness that came with every drink. She had the feeling memorized by then, by the third drink she knew that she was well on her way to the peace she longed for.

The lightness and pure carelessness that accompanied the burn. Singing through her veins telling her that it was okay to let go for even just a little while. Nothing could touch her while she was in its grasp.

But almost as suddenly as she found relief Finnick's face appeared. He gave her a look, not filled with condemnation but understanding. Which was possibly worse. She imagined Finnick sprawled across her couch as he was so apt to do these days, she knew his eyes would be cataloging every movement, every slide of her throat as she chugged down more of the bottle.

All the warmth was negated just by the memory of him. No judgement just calm and calculating in his own infuriating way. She felt tears form on her face and she felt the scream of frustration rip from her throat.

He read her better than anyone ever had. His too knowing gaze, the crook of his eyebrows, his damn laugh at her indignant attitude. That stupid smirk he got when he knew he had pressed too many of her buttons and backed off just before he pushed her too far. All of the things he had learned while they had been crowded together in 13. Two lost souls clinging together for life, both teetering on the razors edge. But easily ignored when Annie and Peeta had been returned to them. Now they were nothing but shadows that continued to haunt them both. Their anchors to this world gone, leaving them both adrift in a punishing storm of self doubt, anger, and vengeance.

It was easier this way she decided, letting Finnick hate her, she could never let anyone get close, anyone who did always suffered. Her father the first in line and Prim rounding it out with screams that were lost among so many innocent deaths.

Fuck, why wasn't the alcohol making any of this go away? This was what she depended on, the booze was supposed to quiet her ghosts not making her relive every demon she had been trying to ignore.

She blamed Finnick, before he had shown up it was easy to just let it sooth all the aches. It was easier to lie to someone else than it was to lie to yourself and all that. She refused to think about how his arrival disrupted the small world of denial she had built around herself.

Through everything she had never been a damsel, she didn't need to be rescued or saved. From past interaction it was her doing the saving, too used to handling her own problems it was a fact that wouldn't be reconciled.

She had never loved Gale romantically and no matter what she felt about Peeta it was nothing as passionate or star crossed as she had allowed everyone to think. She would never allow herself to think of that, every moment of her thoughts was consumed by protecting Prim and then her vengeance, once that was all done she allowed herself this haze of denial. Therefore thoughts of Finnick's smile as he pulled her onto the couch to watch another terrible cooking show were not to be examined too closely.

She glared at the bottle, she should not be thinking about the way him and the way he would smirk at her as she paced around the room for hours.

He was so casual but always careful when he spoke to her. She ignored the way he skirted around things that would trigger her while still filling up her silences with nonsense.

She took one last pull off the bottle, hoping that that would be the drink that put her over the edge of her memories, before throwing it down in annoyance. There was the lightness that the alcohol brought, but without Finnick or Sae or even Haymitch to distract her she felt the walls closing on her. She was left with a feeling of restlessness that left her prowling through the house. She paused when she found herself in the study. One of the rooms she had avoided at all costs since her and Finnick's initial cleaning of the house.

Waiting for her on the desk was a small pile of letters that Sae must have left behind on her last visit, the rest were still piled in the corner. She took a breath and walked over, trying and failing to push away the images of Snow sitting at this very desk, the smell of roses overwhelming her. As quickly as she tried to shove them down she felt the memories wrap tightly across her chest, constricting her lungs. Gasping she pulled herself away and stumbled to the front door. More out of muscle memory than actual intent she slipped on her hunting boots and pushed herself out the front door.

She took deep breaths willing the rose scent to fade from her lungs. She half stumbled towards the path that would take her to the forest. Her breath came in short gasps and she clutched at her throat. Her vision was fading around the edges, half fueled by alcohol half panic as the emotions overwhelmed her.

She came to a stop at the tree just before the fence where her already short supply of breath stopped. There was a group of people surrounded by tools standing at the entrance of her forest. The first recognizable face she saw was Thom, she had seen him in District 13 but she didn't know he had returned to 12.

They were cutting away at the fence that had separated her forest from 12. Her once safe space that at the moment did nothing but remind her of her father and Gale. She wasn't prepared for how the nostalgia hit her. Songs with her father, root hunting with Prim, morning walks checking traps with Gale.

My name is Katniss Everdeen, my home is District 12, she willed the mantra to repeat itself in her head not even noticing when Thom had stopped in front of her.

"Hey Katniss, can you breath for me?" he asked. Something in voice was so familiar it seemed to break through the panic. He stood in front of her, hands held up in a placating matter.

She and Thom had been friends before, she used to listen to him answer questions in school and then the small conversations he had with Gale as he left the mines every day. His voice was enough of a reminder of her past to ground her to the present. He was wise enough not to touch her instead just murmuring soothing words until she got her breathing under control.

Finally she let out a gasp and his shoulders relaxed. When her thoughts settled she focused on Thom. His grey eyes, so calm and earnest, standing away but looking directly at her coaxing her back to the present. He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. She watched the choices play in his mind, confront her about her panic attack or ignore it completely. She felt something in her chest unclench as he chose the latter. "What brings you out this way Katniss?"

"I really just needed some air, I felt like I was suffocating in my house and the forest has always been my escape. I'm not sure I even meant to come, my feet just brought me here," she replied probably a bit more honestly than she meant to. Damn alcohol.

Thomas just gave her a small nod, "well as you can see we're just cutting the old fence down. Not many predators left and even if they are they don't come near town anymore. Not much left for them."

She let out a small laugh. "I would have thought you all might have something better to do than cut down an old fence." As if she had any room to speak, she had spent the better part of a year locked away trying to drown herself.

"Sometimes continuously burying the dead is painful so it's nice to take a break and do something as meaningless as tearing a fence down," Thom said with only a small bite to his words.

Katniss was properly chastised, she had barely been able to walk through town to get her booze much less trying to turn town back into something livable. "Of course, I just didn't…"

Thom waved her apology to the side. "It's okay Katniss, this isn't exactly a situation you can prepare for. We're just trying to move through it the best we can. Besides...we have you to thank for all of this," he made a sweeping gesture through the rest of the District.

"Could have had it a lot less burned maybe." Katniss said.

Thom once again ignored her instead taking a second to observe the men and women working on the fence. "Look Katniss, I know this isn't easy for you. No one could have ever asked anything more of you and we know…we all know what kind of leader Coin would have been…" he lowered his voice as if anyone could actually hear him and said, "we know she would have been no damn better than Snow. Trading one in for a newer model. When you shot her honestly we all breathed a little easier. We knew it was the best thing you could have done for Panem. And if we knew it so did everyone else."

And that, Katniss has absolutely nothing to say to that. It never really occurred to her that others might have thought the same thing she did, had the same reservations. That Coin was just one more obstacle to their freedom, more of a hindrance than a saving grace. She killed Coin because of what she had done to Prim, but she also knew what kind of monster lurked behind that saccharine sweet voice. She had just assumed that every one had thought she had lost her mind.

Thom gave her another moment then cleared his throat. "Sorry to take up so much of your time," seeming to take her silence for anger or denial. He wiped his hand across his neck again. "So Im just gonna…"

"Let me help," Katniss found the words coming out before she even registered them. She then realized she wanted that, she wanted to help them whatever the task might be.

"Are you sure you're dressed for such a thing?" Thom gestured to her clothes. A light green cashmere sweater and soft khaki pants, "No offense it just looks like those pants could feed my family for a year." He was only half joking.

"I have more clothes than I know what to do with," she huffed. "Please Thom, I need something to do before I go insane." She half begged and found herself surprised at doing so.

He gave her another smile at that. "Okay, any idea what you want to do?"

"Probably something without other people around, I'm just…I'm not ready for that."

"Well luck be on your side because we're barely getting started on cutting the wires. So just start wherever and just make it easier to pull these posts out. There are buckets over there for the wire to be piled into." He gestured to several green bins off to the side.

"Thanks Thom," she took the tool he had been holding and a bin and made her way down a bit from where the others were working. Most of them tried to appear to look nonchalant but a few of them were openly staring. She ignored them all.

Every cut of the wire under fingers seemed to let another wave of grief flow through. Her righteous indignation came through every snap as the fence weakened around her.

Thom's proclamation that she had not been alone in her mistrust of Coin made her feel slightly less manic. Lifting a weight of something she hadn't even been aware she was feeling. Even Finnick sinking his trident into Snow had never given her an inkling that she had done the right thing. And yet somehow Thom giving a voice to her concerns and telling her she wasn't alone made her choice even more meaningful.

With the alcohol still barely floating in her system she felt every defiance she had hoisted on the Capitol. Prim. SNAP. Rue, SNAP. Leaving Peeta for the "feast" SNAP, the berries that had started it all, SNAP. Stopping Gales whipping, SNAP. Her alliance in the Second Quarter Quell, SNAP, the morphling, SNAP. Shooting her arrow into the ceiling of the arena, SNAP. The grim satisfaction of watching Coin fall from her self declared pedestal, SNAP. SNAP SNAP SNAP every wire felt like something lessening in her chest.

Every twenty feet or so she would stop and push the piles of wire into the bin, barely feeling the metal biting into her skin through the fragile fabric of her sweater.

Katniss worked until her muscles were screaming for relief and her sweater was peppered with pinpricks and streaks of blood. When she noticed that the sun had started to sink below the horizon she made her way back to the trail she had started on, surprising even herself at the progress she had made. Everyone else was gone but Thom was leaned against a tree next to a pile of tools. He let out small chuckle when she emerged from the path. "I hope you were serious about those other clothes, because I'm not sure those can be saved."

Katniss took a second to look down at herself. Even though she had done nothing but stand and cut wire her clothes were obviously unsalvageable. Katniss let a smile split across her face, maybe, she thought, the first smile she had that wasn't Finnick's fault. "Well I've got plenty more where they came from, not much dressing up to do when you sit up all night drinking by yourself." She choked on her laugh. This the first time she had even really acknowledged her drinking in front of anyone else except Haymitch and Finnick even though she knew the town was alight with gossip.

She was glad Thom seemed to take in the humor she was going for and he let out a small laugh. "Enough that I'll be seeing you tomorrow?'

Katniss paused, letting herself feel her body, the way her muscles ached from the abuse of the day, but the satisfaction she felt at accomplishing something. Finally doing something productive instead of remaining stagnant felt good, like a part of her brain had quieted from sheer exhaustion. Even though her arms screamed in protest she knew she would be returning. God she didn't even want to devolve into how that was a metaphor for her life.

"I think yeah, yeah I'll be back…" before she could say more the pale white flowers caught her eye. Just inside the border of the fence. Easily missed earlier because they were covered by other workers there were several Primrose bushes. Their flowers blinking at her like a beacon in the night.

Thom followed her gaze and saw the bushes. He stayed silent as several emotions flitted across her face. "I need...I..need…"Katniss didn't bother to find her words as she lurched toward a shovel and began to dig up the bushes. Thom said nothing apparently sensing the desperation in Katniss, instead he grabbed another shovel.

He helped her unearth every bush and move it into a wheelbarrow. He seemed to understand that Katniss couldn't speak so he let his voice wash over her as they made their way back down the path towards the Village. Every topic strategically avoiding Gale, Peeta, the Games, Prim, or her responsibility for the bombing of their home. She had never fully appreciated how tactful he was. Instead he filled the air with useless chatter, which Katniss hadn't even realized she missed in the several hours Finnick had been gone.

It was twilight by the time they stopped underneath her window and she pulled the shovel out. She began digging, Thom a silent partner beside her.

Part of Katniss was relieved that Thom knew she didn't have anything to say and didn't expect her to say anything either. But a traitorous part of her wished it was Finnick beside her providing an unnecessary commentary on what she was obviously doing, the importance of putting the roses where they were easily viewed. Every time she looked at the plants she would be reminded of Prim, would most likely hear her voice urging her to live. She knew it was significant that she planted the primroses, a step in the right direction.

It was however peaceful with Thom, she'd known him since they were children. He was someone that knew of the happy memories she had. He was also witness to many of the more heartbreaking ones. He remembered Prim's sweet smile. He knew her father. Knew the blow it struck her family when he was lost. He remembered her hollow cheeks and the bruises under her eyes as she worried about how her and Prim would survive. But he also knew when her and Gale went to the woods. He was one of the ones to benefit when they took down a deer. Everything with him involved less pain, the tolerable kind even. He was different somehow from all of the other travesties of her life. Separated from the Games and the Capitol, back when her biggest concern was how she was going to keep her family alive.

He was also a remnant of Gale, of a life that could have been before this monstrosity she was trying to disguise as a hopeful and meaningful life for herself. He understood what it was like to know that less than one tenth of everyone you ever knew was alive. He was missing the same faces as he walked through the remains of their District. That people they had known forever were gone, nothing left of them but a mass grave in the middle of a field that they played in as children. So many faces they would never see again. She recalled fondly how smitten with Bristol Thom had been, he had mentioned asking her to dinner after the Reaping with a small flick of hope in his voice. His furrowed brow the only sign of worry that she or he might be reaped before it could blossom into something real. She had no idea if Bristol had been lost but she didn't think she had the right to ask. But Thom was there as steady of a presence as he had ever been either way and in that moment she was grateful for what he was giving her.

She didn't know how much time passed but she offered him a small smile as they patted the earth back into place as each primrose was placed. Thom seemed to know that Katniss was not ready to talk about anything and she was once again thankful for the friendship they shared before the games had changed everything.

Maybe that's what made her speak up as they were digging the hole for the last bush. She had said as much to Finnick but it was different saying it to an outsider, someone who had no frame of reference, but had known her her whole life. Somehow it made it that more honest and raw.

"I never asked for this, everything I did was for the selfish reason of keeping Prim safe. I never wanted anything more than that. I never saw a future for myself besides taking care of my mother and Prim. I really never thought we would be reaped you know? It's terrifying every year but I never actually expected to hear Prim's name called. My whole life was wrapped up in keeping her safe and I didn't even hesitate to take her place. My death in the arena should have saved her. All I have left are ghosts, different choices I wish I could, should, have made. What am I supposed to do with that?"

Thom stopped for a moment, his foot still resting on the shovel as he spoke. "You might have saved her, but maybe not. If you knew then what would happen, how it would end? Would you still have done it?"

"In an instant," she answered, surprising even herself. "Now that she's gone and even knowing what I do now I still have done it. She would have wanted me to."

"Well maybe instead of thinking about all the things you would have changed you should try to live for her now. Do the things you would have wanted her to do. You wouldn't have wanted Prim to blame herself right, to stop living, if you had died instead?"

"Prim never had anything to take the blame for, she should have never been a part of this. She was just a kid, she deserved a chance at a real life," Katniss snapped.

Thom didn't flinch, just gave her a calculating look, "well don't you think she would tell you the same thing?"

Katniss felt her heart stutter because that's exactly what Prim would say, before humming noncommittally and turning her focus back to the dirt. Thom seemed to content to take her silence for the answer it was.

"They keep calling me a hero, interspersed of course with calling me crazy. I'm still the Mockingjay, I know I always will be. But I never put that on myself, I never wanted that, never asked for all of this responsibility. Now I'll never escape it. None of it was supposed to turn out this way. I would die in the games and Prim would be safe. Simple as that you know? Instead there was so much pain and suffering. And how much of the blood that has been spilled is on my hands?"

Thom sighed and set his shovel back into the wheelbarrow. "Katniss, none of this is your fault. God damn, honestly this is so much bigger than all of us. We both know every single one of us, especially you and the other Victors, were nothing but pawns in a bigger game. A game that had been playing itself out for years. You just surprised them, there's nothing more unpredictable than the power of love. It makes us capable of things we could never imagine. And it just so happened in your fit of righteous anger you managed to take out both the King and Queen of this nightmare we've all been caught up in. Even though you lost what you were trying to protect you need to decide what you want, because that is a choice you have now. A choice that neither Prim or Peeta will never have it's one that you gave to thousands of other people. They can make their own destiny now."

He paused and gave her a moment to let his words sink in. Katniss kept pushing down the dirt surrounding the freshly planted bushes not saying anything, but the tense line of her shoulders told Thom she was listening to every word.

"There's also another side to that coin," he continued, "sure you're the Mockingjay and it will always be that way now. Your name will go down in history, but how easily could it have been someone else?"

Foxface flashed in her mind. If she hadn't eaten those berries Peeta had found could she be sitting in place of Katniss? She was clever, there was no denying that. What kind of Mockingjay would she have made? Would she be considered the liberator of Panem? Would she have made it out? Would her emotional scars be less than those Katniss suffered?

For some reason she had never considered that. How easy it would have been for someone else to take her place. She knew she wasn't really special when it came to the Revolution, simply in the right place at the right time. Always expendable. But with the possibility set right in front of her she couldn't imagine it another way. There was nothing she wouldn't have done to win. Katniss knew, deep down, well maybe not even that deep, that if it came down to her and Peeta she would come out on top. He had said as much on the train in the beginning and she would have done whatever it had taken to keep Prim safe. Without Foxface she never would have even thought about the berries at that last moment. If it had been anyone else but Peeta she wouldn't have even hesitated in killing them. What would Foxface have done? Would she have thought of the berries? Perhaps she would have been forced to kill Peeta. The Games could have just continued on.

A thousand scenarios flashed through her mind at the ways things had fallen just so and had anything changed everything could be different.

Thom's voice broke through her internal monologue voicing several of the same thoughts. "I'm not sure it helps to hear how easily could it have been for someone else to fall into the role you played. Would they have inspired people the way you did? Would they have killed Coin or bought all of the garbage that she was selling? Would we have even gotten as far as we did? And a thousand other questions that will never have an answer. However like it or not it was you Katniss, you made the choices you made and in the end all of Panem is better for it. Your sacrifices are already being forgotten even though they'll always be what motivated you. Just know that every choice you made, everything you did made a difference for someone else."

There was something comforting about someone telling her she wasn't really that special. That it could have been anyone else. It gave her a sense of being grounded.

The growl of Katniss's stomach interrupted their silence. Thom let out a small chuckle seemingly okay leaving their conversation where it was. He piled the other shovel into the wheelbarrow and tipped his head to Katniss. "I should let you eat, don't think I didn't notice you didn't stop for lunch today. I'm going to leave this stuff here and if you want to come out in the morning you can bring it with you and if not I'll swing by and get it later on." Without another word he made his way down the path from the path back into town.

Her conversation with Thom was swirling in her mind as she gave the bushes one last glance and went inside.


End file.
